On Those **** Eyebrows

You make me want to scratch my face off.

It’s not out of anger – it’s that every second you’ve been in my life has been a combination of fluttery highs that have made me happier than I can describe, and anxiety of when are you going to fuck this up because you know you will.

And it’s not that you have not told me how you feel, if your own special and lovely way. It’s in the way you touch my skin, in your words in my ear, in the way you raise your eyebrow that tells me you’re thinking of all sorts of terrible things you want to do to me. In the way you say you miss me. In the way you call just to say hi.

It’s because I never thought I’d feel this way at all, let alone with someone who could, maybe, possibly, like me back just as much.

And having never done the adult actual bona fide relationship thing, I’ve never had any desire to have the conversation of;

“So, what are we?”

Because any time this might have potentially come out I would retreat into emotionless pit of darkness with a supply of vitamin D supplements because no one has time for that shit.

But you make me want to venture out of my little fox hole and sniff at the sun.

And you terrify me, but in a way that makes me want to jump off the high dive, that pushes me further, that makes me want to try.

So, the other day when we had a conversation about our future goals, our plans, our dreams – I had a moment of;
Is this enough for you?

I am not ashamed of my job, of what I’m working for, of what I’m doing. But the nomadic, artistic life is definitely one of those concepts that will make a person say
“Go do it, go follow your dreams and passions and conquer the world,”
Or
“Sure, that’s fine, but what are your real goals?”

And I’ve been thinking about this, because again, that nagging horrible voice in the back of my head is saying,

You’re not enough. What you want is not enough. They’ll want more.

And a realization came from a most unlikely of sources.

You don’t have to be enough.

After all, isn’t that why you’re poly?

Because, you and I, and I know I’m getting so far ahead of myself, but, we can have our own little bit of happiness, create something together, and it can be ours and beautiful.

But you can also go do that with someone else, and that’s okay.

I’ve always thought about the concept of ‘other halves,’ solely in how it relates to me. In that, I firmly believe that one person will not fulfill all my emotional and physical needs. That one person, or no one, might be all I can handle at any given moment, or all I want at that specific moment, but in time, I may find that x and y is missing from my life. It might be that a and b needs aren’t being fulfilled. That I want to explore m and n. Whatever the case may be, it is not fair, or, indeed, accurate, for me to identify as monogamous when I am aware of these aspects of myself.

However, I haven’t spent too much time thinking about this from the opposite perspective. What it would mean if I was not enough for someone.

And again, I don’t know what we are right now.
But I know that I love the feel of your hands around my waist as my legs wrap around you.
I love the feel of your teeth against my shoulder.
I love sitting on your couch with a beer watching something stupid on TV.

My friend told me that my eyes go soft when I talk about you. Because you are a lot of firsts for me.

You are the first guy, as an adult, I have missed when they’re not around.
You are the first guy I would be willing, even want, to stick some sort of label on, whatever that may be. Something that gives it the impression of stability.
You are the first guy who’s friends I have met. Hell, met more than once.
You are the first guy who I want to come to, versus having them come to me.
You are the best sex I’ve ever had.
You are the first guy who makes me want for something more.

That being said,

You will not be my other half.
You will not be my soulmate.
You will not be the center of my universe.

But, you could be my love.

And I want to believe that we’ll figure it out as we go. Because if you are not enough for me, and I am not enough for you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t still want me, or that I don’t still want you.

And maybe that’s why I like you so goddamn much.

On No. 4

She told me you were safe. That she wouldn’t leave me alone with you unless you were.
We were hanging out on your boat. It was a fun night; hanging with friends, old and new.
We watched the fireworks on the dock, watching the reflection of the sparks and lights in the water.
And we drank, because of course we did. We were adults on a national holiday.
And the other two left for home, and I was alone with you. The last train home had left, and I said I’d just sleep on the boat. I wanted to feel the waves rocking me to sleep, feel the peace and quiet that being on the water brings me.

 

And we had beers, we smoked, and you told me about your girlfriend. Told me the distance is good for you. Told me she doesn’t want to share you. Told me you were physically – platonically – affectionate, and that people didn’t understand.

 

I understood. I have friends with whom my levels of affection come out in ways people might find weird or inappropriate considering we are not in a relationship. But it’s consented to by us, it’s taken a length of time to get to that level of emotional intimacy.

 

You wanted to cuddle, and I didn’t see a problem with that. We talked for hours, looking at the sky, the way the moon shone off the mirror smooth water.

 

And because you’d said these things, said the limits of your relationship, I didn’t think anything when we continued to cuddle as we moved down into the boat. You thought she might care, and told me if anyone asked, I spent the night in a different room.
I shrugged it off. I was tired. I wanted to sleep. I didn’t care if we kept cuddling or not. You wanted some affection? Fine. Whatever. I told you I was dating someone and didn’t know the parameters of that relationship and didn’t want to fuck it up – nothing was going to happen anyway.

 

But you didn’t just want affection, did you? Because I was half asleep, and your dick was pressed into my ass, and you were grinding against me, seeking something, I don’t know what. And my mind couldn’t process what’s happening. I was still partially asleep in your arms until you tried to touch me, and I said Stop.
You stopped. Half apologized. Said it had been a few months since you’d gotten laid, that you missed having someone to hold. I told you I’d go to the other room, and you said no, and you pulled me to you again. You said the look on my face as I got turned on was enough for you.

Finally, you fell asleep again.

Until an hour and a half later, when again, in a half-conscious state, you were dry humping me again, and I could feel your breath on my neck and your hand pulling my hair and I couldn’t get my mouth to work. I wanted to stay stop before I did. The second I felt you on me. But I was not fully conscious, and whether or not you knew that, I’d told you no.
And I finally managed to get my brain and body to cooperate, to wake up, to say Stop again.

And you did. Immediately.

And I reminded you of your girlfriend, and you said that was why your pants stayed on.

I pulled myself away from you, clinging to a pillow on the other end of the bed, and you pulled me into your side again.

And I was not safe. And I could not leave. Because I was trapped on a boat and you were my only way off.

You said we should watch the sunrise, and I was more than grateful to get your body off me. I felt so violated by everything you’d done, I didn’t care if you saw me change my shirt. I didn’t care what you saw. Because you seeing me was somehow less invasive than your hands on me. Than you caging me in a headlock so I couldn’t move as you felt me up.

And you said you knew I liked the dominant stuff. So that made it okay, right?
If you know I like my hair pulled, its okay that you do it, because you know I like it, even though I’ve said I don’t want anything to happen.
If I say I like x, y, and z, then you know it’ll trigger a biological response, even though I don’t want it to be you doing x, y, and z.

Did you notice I wouldn’t touch you after that? That the night before we were cuddly and friendly and nice, and after I wouldn’t touch you, I would barely look at you, I wanted to be on my phone, and distance myself from you. Because you were my ride home. I was at the mercy of your transport, or the trains that were not running until a certain time, of your will to go where I needed to go.

So you took me out to see the sunrise. You wanted me to catch my first fish. You took me to breakfast and a diner you’d thought I’d like.

And I was amiable enough to you. Because I felt disgusting. I felt like I’d betrayed someone, someone who is your fucking friend. I felt like I’d done everything wrong.

And people will say I did. That I should have gone into the other room anyway, to which I have no idea if he would have let me/if he wouldn’t have followed me. I have no idea.

And people will say it’s not that big of a deal.
Maybe it’s not. My clothes stayed on. Your clothes stayed on. Nothing was inserted anywhere. You can probably justify it to yourself that you didn’t cheat.

But that’s not the point, is it?

I will never feel safe around you.
I was promised you were okay, that I was okay to be alone with you, and that was not true.
I said no 3 times, and you ignored me.

And I can’t get rid of this feeling of self-revulsion. I can’t get rid of this feeling that I’m disgusting. That my boy should leave me because I did something terrible. That I fucked up, and I fucked up so bad. It’s why I’d said what happened in that room needed to stay in that room. Because how could/can I tell him?

After all, you did thank me for being a ‘good sport‘ about it.

But you texted me, asking me if I got back home okay.

Don’t pretend you care about my safety now.

Just go fuck yourself.