On Wants vs Needs

I found this in my cloud the other day. It was written a fair few months ago now, and I don’t know why it wasn’t a post then. But it’s basically still true, so, meh.

~*~

I refer to this friend too often not to give her a name, so, the friend from On Dirty Minds will now be BB.

BB and I had a conversation a while back, regarding relationship needs, what we could emotionally handle vs short term wants.

I have a post planned that will get more into this and into the whole ‘casual dating is the devil’ thing that a lot of people seem to have a problem with. I’m not talking about that here.

I’m talking about wanting to have sex outside of friend groups, outside of connected people, someone who I could have sex with without strings attached, get my horniness sorted out, and move on with my life.

At the same time, I understood that would be a temporary fix to the problem. I wanted someone who I could turn to when I was having a bad day, when shit was going down, and say, look, not trying to make your life more complicated, but I could really just use someone to cuddle with right now. We don’t even have to talk, I just want company.

Because this city is really fucking lonely.

BB didn’t find this odd, necessarily, but applauded my little arctic fox self for coming down from my snowy isolated hill and admitting this. Admitting that I might want something ‘more’. What that more would resemble, I’m still not entirely sure.

So tonight, when I’m so sore I can barely move the lower half of my body, stressed about work, stressed about basically everything, and want something to hold on to, what do I do?

A part of my brain says that I just need a body, someone there beside me. Another part says that anything physical won’t help.

I don’t know what’s the need and what’s the want. Is it a need for physical distraction? The thought of having to open up emotionally to someone makes my skin crawl, and makes me even more exhausted, but maybe it would be nice?

It’s something I suppose I need to sort out. Eventually.

But for now, I have heating pouches, a stuffed dog, a memory foam mattress, and Xbox.

So, I guess that works for now.


On Springtime

On a chilly dark night
You walk beside him on the street
“Just for a few blocks,” he says, “I’m close by.”
And you talk, and you laugh, and you shiver in your jacket.

When you get inside there are books, and things to look at. Things to compare.
There are candles, and dim lighting and music comes through speakers
A list you suggested and he likes
There are curtains that could be closed or not, windows that could be shut
You say no
Because in a few moments his skin will be on yours
And you don’t do well with sweat

Then it’s sighs, and moans
Fingernails scraping skin
The tickling of his scruff against the inside of your thigh
“Please,”
“More, please,”
Hands everywhere, gripping, pulling, supporting
softness of lips against the feeling of your hair being pulled back, and back
“Such a good girl,”
And he says your name
A whisper as he’s done.

An arm is draped around your shoulders
You lean back against the couch
And you discuss things, improvements for next time
Kisses, then more kisses goodbye
They are different than before, less restrained
“You’ll see me around,”
And he sends you on your way

And you’re walking back down the street, to a bar you know
That will always be open for you
And you sit back with self satisfaction

You won’t think
Well, you’ll never see him again
You could have said no, let’s go out another night.
Let’s go get a drink first
Treat me like more than a booty call
Because that was what you wanted
You wanted him on top of you
You wanted him to make you scream
To make you feel
To know that someone like him was not out of your league

So you’ll leave it, for a few days
And assume he’ll message
But
Eventually
You have to decide
And you think
Oh, he’s probably traveling
He’s busy
He’s with someone else And you hope
Well, maybe he’s just as awkward as you are

But you’re not awkward
You know what you want
And so you send a message, a joke, an olive branch
You say hello, in a way you know how
And your phone will stay black
And silent

You will come home, and light a candle
The scent of spice a reminder of another season
Of a past time
When things were changing
And leaves were dying
And you were hurting from new things and healing from old ones
And you will want to retreat, but you no longer can
Not the way you used to

You can no longer run and hide from things
From how you feel
Or the idea of feeling
And you what you wanted that idea to be
You will breathe in the calm air, the humidity will cling to your lungs
As you try to understand
That you were weaker then

Because to be the one that says hello
Is admitting that you want to talk
That they were on your mind
And all your time hiding in the dark, refusing to try
Did nothing to prepare you
For when you finally tasted the sun.