On Running Headlong into Brick Walls

I don’t know how else to do this.

In the past, I’ve had time, months, if not longer, to figure out what I want to say.
And by that time, the emotion has faded, and I’m left with only the ruthless cold logic that I cling to so desperately. 

I thought, if I just set up my computer, put on some music, that the words would finally come. 
But, I’m looking at this screen, and there’s a disconnect between my brain and my fingers. 

Because, right now, my internal monologue is more or less screaming 

Goddammit. Godfuckingdammit.

You messaged me this morning. And I don’t know what to say to you. 

There’s a part of me, a large part of me and my heart, that wants to just accept your apology. Just say, okay. Like I always have. But, I can’t. I can’t say its okay. You know it’s not, I know it’s not. I told you I would never lie to you, and I don’t intend to break that promise.

Whenever I saw you, my brain turned to mush, and the rest of the world seemed to dim around you. I don’t trust the words that would come if I asked to speak to you in person. If I told you, hey, we need to actually talk about this.

That, and, I don’t trust you to actually say yes. I don’t think you’ll actually read this, to be honest, if I even were to send it to you. But, I’m writing it anyways. Because this isn’t for you. This is for me. This selfish thing I want and will do regardless of how it affects you.


You told me, you were the better man.
And your way of proving that was to ignore my existence. 

Because to you, it wasn’t worth having the argument, the discussion, the goodbye.
The one fucking thing I asked you for. 
Just give me a goodbye.
You couldn’t handle any of it.


Months ago, when we first started this tangled mess of a thing, I said I’d wanted to see you,  but didn’t message you, because we didn’t work that way. You messaged me, you called me, not the other way around. And you just looked at me, with this surprised, almost disgusted, look on your face. Said that was a fucked up mentality, that you didn’t want that as a friendship, let alone anything else. 

Except that every time I tried, you shot me down. I told you I wanted to see you, and you made me feel like a desperate whore every time. You made me feel like a burden for wanting to see your face. 

Why did I let myself believe you could at least follow through on saying you were done?

About a week, maybe two, before the last day I saw you, you apologized for freaking out on me. For treating me like garbage. For not handling ‘us’ well, whatever we were. Said for the thousandth and one time that you did not want me as your girlfriend. But apologized for freaking out. Only to then turn around and pull a damn Houdini. 


Every time I said I was okay, I meant it. Every time I said you made me happy, I meant it. Every time I said I just liked being with you, I fucking meant it. 

And we weren’t together, and we weren’t committed, but you know 
We had a fucking relationship. 
You have a relationship with your friends, with your mentors, with your teachers. With your boss and your employees.
You had a relationship with me. 

You did not understand, and I still don’t think you do, that we could be together, and not committed.
That we could find peace in each other, and not put a title on it.
That you could show me that you care, without me changing a Facebook status. 

I wasn’t planning our wedding, I didn’t expect you to be my soul mate. 
But not lying to your friends for four and a half months might have been nice. 

And now I’m sitting here, and 

GODFUCKINGDAMMIT 

Why do I miss you? Even now, looking at this, trying to swallow back the torrent threatening to unleash itself on my keyboard. 

I miss your voice, and the way you’d softly sing along to parts of songs.
I miss watching your face under the light of the rising sun
I miss your eyes
I miss the smell of your cigarettes and the way you play with your hair
I miss your lips on mine

I just fucking miss you.

You blocked your life from me, when I didn’t do anything wrong. You cut me out, when I constantly said at the end of the day, I want to be, and stay, your friend. 

I fucking CARE about you. Even though you don’t deserve it. My heart hasn’t let you go.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this. With any of this.
I can’t go back to what we were – hoping, praying, to be treated like a human being by you for a few hours, even if all I want at times is to fall asleep with the feel of your arms around me.

But you have shown me you can’t handle me, at any level of intimacy.

If I’m being honest, I don’t think I was the problem.

I think you wanted to give me so much, and with the knowledge that you couldn’t, threw it back at me. Attacked me for your misgivings and your own self-deprecation but tried to make it my fault.

“You want things I can’t give you.” 
Over and over and over.

What I actually needed, really, truly needed, was for you to own up to the fact that I was not just your friend.

You wanted me to be your fuck buddy and your lover and your confidant and your girlfriend and your casual acquaintance all in one, without offering me any of those things in return.

I was your go-to, but would you ever have been mine?

Even with all of this shit, I want you to be okay. I want you to thrive, and find successes, and be there when you do. I miss you, I miss your friends, I miss everything about you. I don’t know what I want something between us to look like anymore. But I know I want to be in your life in some way, and I want you to be a part of mine.

And that’s probably too much for you. But, at least I told you. Opened up to you about this in some way.

I have to find a way to forgive you. I’m not quite there yet.

But, this is what I wanted & needed you to hear. For whatever that means to you.

On Repetition

How did I do this to myself again 

How did I let myself fall into this again? 

And why am I still sitting in this bar, waiting for you to look at me and say you want to go home. 

I’m listening to your friend’s girlfriend talk about poetry and how classical music is more legitimate than others and speak of her nihilism so that you don’t have to deal. She’s talking to me about her art as if it means anything that she only writes in moleskins so you can play your goddamn pool game and I’m just sitting here like. 

The fuck is wrong with me. 

Because I want to leave. I want to leave and go home and remember what it feels like to cry. 

What the fuck have you done to me. 

I felt better when I was around you. I felt whole, I felt like a better, calmer, more fun, more relaxed version of myself 
But today I feel like I’m trapped in the spin cycle of a washer 
Wrung out like a rag, twisted and misshapen 

You asked me 
I don’t understand how I’m not hurting you 
But right now, you are. 
I feel like hell. 

And I did this to myself
And I’m doing this to myself the longer I stay 
The longer I let myself remain in this place where I am just inherently unhappy 

You didn’t want me here 
I can see that 
Can you tell me to go home? 
Give me something to do other than chaperone for the people you don’t like
Telling me to order your drinks, watch your shit, take your photos 

Fuck 

Why can’t I walk out the door
Why can’t I leave without saying goodbye 
Make you see I am the farthest fucking thing from okay 

How is it your friends know more about my life than you do 
People I adore, who will be gone the second I develop the self-respect to say no, I deserve more 

 It is so inherently fucked 
That you told me you hate yourself 
So you don’t want to commit yourself to me 
And I hate myself so much
But I just want to commit myself to you 

I don’t want to hate myself 
I just want you to talk to me like a fucking human being 
And that one thing I’d asked you for
To tell me when you’re done
To tell me if you’re leaving me for someone you loved
You can’t do.

So now, I sit here, rereading through these words, remembering my drunken self writing them and wishing they were more melodramatic than they were 


But this is the truth

I thought I could handle your heartbreak and I can’t
I hate how much I want you
I want to be stronger, and I’m not.
You told me you would hurt me, and you have. 

Are you happy you know that now?

On Time

It’s been over a year since I saw your face

So why is it

That I’m suddenly reminded of things I thought were gone

Of that night in your garage
Of you holding me steady, your hands on my knees, my hips, as I try to balance, reaching for something high above me
Of the feeling of your smile

I don’t want you back
I don’t want you back
I don’t want you back

I hear a song,

And we’re back on your couch
We’re doing nothing, together
You’re telling me you like my legs
Your roommate is making us drinks

Four months after you left
I started seeing Someone Else.
And he made me happy, for a moment
And when he told me what you didn’t think to

When I felt the crack and saw him falling through
I held on like he was a man thrown overboard
Desperately trying to pull him back to me
When he’d wanted to jump in the first place

He wasn’t what you were
But I tried to convince myself he was
Because I couldn’t do it again
Couldn’t have the same reason twice in a row
Couldn’t be the inbetween

The rebound

The pause button

Again.

These things have been repeated in my mind, in my words, for so long, it feels meaningless to even try to write them out

Not that you ever would

But

You could come back to me, tell me you’re sorry

But I would want to say no.

How could I trust you again?
I can’t live in fear of your mistakes becoming reoccurring nightmares

I woke up this morning
And I don’t know why I thought of you

It’s been over a year since I’ve seen your face
And I never told you then, and I certainly won’t tell you now
But I loved you
I want my love back
I want my time and my secrets and my vulnerable words whispered in the dark

I don’t want to erase you
But I need your ghost disappear
Vanish under the cover of a smoke bomb
And leave no trace of itself behind

I need my memory to let me go

On Loneliness of the Third Type

I want to be alone, with you. 

Does that make sense?
I want to be alone
I don’t want to talk to you
I don’t want to do anything
I just want to be alone, but with you there 

Because you won’t tell me I need to talk, or be anything other than what I am being 
And maybe just being with you
I’ll be able to talk to someone 
Express the feelings that swallow me like a black hole
Pulling me in 
Pulling me under 
You don’t ask that of me 
So I feel like I could give it 

Does that make sense?
I doubt it 
I’m rambling 
Sitting in a lavender scented tub with a damp notebook and a hand trying to fly away from me 

I don’t want to tell you what is happening, but I also do 
I want you to know
To help me lift some of this weight off my shoulders 
Not pick it up for me – you wouldn’t, and I would hate you if you tried. 
But just keep me company while I set it down for a while 

A rest between sets
A momentary pause 
To breathe 
And analyze where to go from here 

Because in between the call that never came 
And the texts with no reply 
And the words still ringing in my ears 
Between the voices in my head telling me to stop 
Not to try 
That I will only ever fail, at everything 

I think of your face 

So, yeah
I just want to be alone, with you 

It’s all I want to ask of you

On Looking in the Mirror

Love, listen 
You gotta own up to this shit too 

Because no, it’s not your fault that he’s a lying asshole 
But it’s on you that you said

“I’ll be patient.”
“No, don’t worry about it.”
“I promise it’s okay.”

When it fucking wasn’t okay. 

Because you are the one that prides themselves on being chill. 
On never being called crazy, or at least, not to your face. 

Because you have seen women, so many women, who let their emotions ride them and force men into that passenger seat. Who can’t let little things go. 

But those little things add up. Those little things mean something. And chill does not mean that you don’t have emotions. That you feel nothing. 

And because you’ve not been monogamous, you haven’t had a real, concrete relationship, you haven’t learned how to speak for yourself. To say, this isn’t right.
This isn’t how I should be treated. 
You’re not my boyfriend, but you fucked up. 

Instead you say 
You’re not my boyfriend, so I have no right to be mad. 
Even though you are.

And that’s on you. 

For setting the standard so damn low and being annoyed when even that isn’t met. 

Because my darling you deserve the moon 
The stars 
Flowers and hugs and kisses on the cheek. 
You deserve to have your hand held 
To be introduced as, ‘You know, that girl I was telling you about?’ 

Just because you aren’t monogamous doesn’t mean you are undeserving of respect 

Maybe if you didn’t act like you knew you weren’t, and didn’t deserve to be, his number one
He wouldn’t make you his number two

You’ve spent so much time bottling it inside, swallowing your emotions down, allowing tension to creep through your shoulders and to turn your muscles to cement to contain the feelings threatening to drown you. 
And when asked a question, instead of the answer you want to give, your flood may leak over, you may speak in nonsensical ways because you are not just batting with what you should say – you are battling with yourself if you should say anything at all. 

And through the mess you see what you fear the most. 
That look of 
‘You’re crazy.’ 

But now you’re sitting here wondering why he’s not texting you when you gave him carte blanche 
To treat you however he choose 
While you say 
‘It’s fine, I’m here for you.’ 
While you’re dying on the inside 
Wondering what you’ve done to deserve this 

And you did not ask for this level of jackassery 
You did not ask to be treated like shit 
But you did not demand better 
Because you felt you couldn’t 

That, my love, is what’s crazy 
You know you deserve more 

That someone fucking up your night and saying ‘I’ll make it up to you…Netflix and chill?’ Is not enough 

That someone saying ‘It’s just so confusing right now, I know she wants monogamy but…you’re just so cool.’  And then taking her on dates but ignoring you for days on end, is not okay. 

That someone saying ‘I promise, she means nothing,’ taking you home with them, then announcing on Facebook she’s their girlfriend is some cheap shit.

You are allowed to be upset. You are allowed to feel. And calling out this bullshit should not be your responsibility – but it is.

Because you have to be your own cheerleader 
Your own advocate 
Your own coach and overprotective best friend 

Because if you don’t set that standard so high that it provides you shade is this sweltering sunshine

Why on earth would he?

On Daydreams

I’m wiping down the bar when you come in. 

The door swings open, and I look up to say that we’re closing, I already did last call, but stop when I see it’s you. And I smile.

You’re wearing a faded shirt, and those dark jeans I love so much. Boots that are not weather appropriate. Your hair is a perfectly tousled mess, but you’re already running your fingers through it again. 

“Hey,” You look around at the empty place, and stay by the door. “Are you closed?” 

I shake my head. 

“Not quite yet. You want something?” 

You nod, and try not to look too awkward as you sit where I point, a seat at the end where I can be close to you. 

“What does not quite yet mean?” You don’t open the menu I put in front of you. 

“It means, I’m shutting down, but can’t lock the doors for another fifteen minutes. So, it’s last call, basically.” I smile, you don’t. 

“I’m not-” 

“Shut up and pick a drink.” I keep working, cleaning, running mats and tools through the washer, and try to ignore your eyes on me, remind myself how to breathe, keep my heart rate down. 

You ask for the beer I already know you’ll want, and grab one out of the fridge, and pour a whisky for myself. I tilt my glass to you, and you tap your bottle against it. 

You keep looking around, not sure what to do with your hands. You tell me, “I didn’t think it would be this quiet already,” 

I shrug, and don’t say anything. I’m waiting for you to speak, to tell my why you’re here. But instead, you just keep drinking. So I turn around and keep working.

“You always close this early?” You ask. I shake my head. I lean against the shelves, looking at you, picking up my glass again. 

“I don’t want to keep you.” 

“You’re not keeping me.” I take a drink, needing something to do. I’m afraid, afraid you’re going to leave, afraid you’ll decide it’s too awkward, that you need the break of other people around, other things to be distracted by. 

“I’m glad.” 

You say it as my face is turned, and I don’t hide my smile. Five minutes to go, and I’m counting the cash in the drawer. I move around to the front, decline your offer to help, and bring the sign in, turn off the outside light, and lock the door. 

And now we don’t know what to do. 

Because we need to talk. We really do. But neither of us want to. Neither of us know how to. There is so much there that we don’t have answers to. So instead, you ask me how much more I have to do before I can leave. I tell you, not much, and finish what I need to finish. You’re nursing your beer by the time I’ve finished and clocked out, but I need another whisky. Badly. Need something in my hands if you’re here, looking like you do. You smell like smoke and something else I’ve never quite been able to place. 

I sit down in the seat beside you, and the corner of your lip tilts up in a smile. 

“Do you usually have after hours drinks with customers?” 

I shake my head. 

“Emma,” You don’t know where to start, I don’t know where to start. But you’re here, and I want you to be here. And that’s enough.






But this is my problem.
I don’t know what happens next.
I think of you and how you’ll look and what you might say, but I don’t know from here. 
Because in my mind, this is where it ends. It’s you being there when I need you to be there. To show me that you care. 


But this is not our story.
This is not you. Or anything you would do.
And I know this.


But when it’s late, and hot, and I’m about to lock the door
I wonder what it would be like if you were there, hoping to be let in.

On Springtime

On a chilly dark night
You walk beside him on the street
“Just for a few blocks,” he says, “I’m close by.”
And you talk, and you laugh, and you shiver in your jacket.

When you get inside there are books, and things to look at. Things to compare.
There are candles, and dim lighting and music comes through speakers
A list you suggested and he likes
There are curtains that could be closed or not, windows that could be shut
You say no
Because in a few moments his skin will be on yours
And you don’t do well with sweat

Then it’s sighs, and moans
Fingernails scraping skin
The tickling of his scruff against the inside of your thigh
“Please,”
“More, please,”
Hands everywhere, gripping, pulling, supporting
softness of lips against the feeling of your hair being pulled back, and back
“Such a good girl,”
And he says your name
A whisper as he’s done.

An arm is draped around your shoulders
You lean back against the couch
And you discuss things, improvements for next time
Kisses, then more kisses goodbye
They are different than before, less restrained
“You’ll see me around,”
And he sends you on your way

And you’re walking back down the street, to a bar you know
That will always be open for you
And you sit back with self satisfaction

You won’t think
Well, you’ll never see him again
You could have said no, let’s go out another night.
Let’s go get a drink first
Treat me like more than a booty call
Because that was what you wanted
You wanted him on top of you
You wanted him to make you scream
To make you feel
To know that someone like him was not out of your league

So you’ll leave it, for a few days
And assume he’ll message
But
Eventually
You have to decide
And you think
Oh, he’s probably traveling
He’s busy
He’s with someone else And you hope
Well, maybe he’s just as awkward as you are

But you’re not awkward
You know what you want
And so you send a message, a joke, an olive branch
You say hello, in a way you know how
And your phone will stay black
And silent

You will come home, and light a candle
The scent of spice a reminder of another season
Of a past time
When things were changing
And leaves were dying
And you were hurting from new things and healing from old ones
And you will want to retreat, but you no longer can
Not the way you used to

You can no longer run and hide from things
From how you feel
Or the idea of feeling
And you what you wanted that idea to be
You will breathe in the calm air, the humidity will cling to your lungs
As you try to understand
That you were weaker then

Because to be the one that says hello
Is admitting that you want to talk
That they were on your mind
And all your time hiding in the dark, refusing to try
Did nothing to prepare you
For when you finally tasted the sun.

On Those **** Eyebrows

You make me want to scratch my face off.
It’s not out of anger – it’s that every second you’ve been in my life has been a combination of fluttery highs that have made me happier than I can describe, and anxiety of when am I going to fuck this up because I know I will.
And it’s not that you have not told me how you feel, if your own special and lovely way. It’s in the way you touch my skin, in your words in my ear, in the way you raise your eyebrow that tells me you’re thinking of all sorts of terrible things you want to do to me. In the way you say you miss me. In the way you call just to say hi.
It’s because I never thought I’d feel this way at all, let alone with someone who could, maybe, possibly, like me back just as much.
And having never done the adult actual bona fide relationship thing, I’ve never had any desire to have the conversation of;
“So, what are we?”
Because any time this might have potentially come out I would retreat into emotionless pit of darkness with a supply of vitamin D supplements because no one has time for that shit.
But you make me want to venture out of my little fox hole and sniff at the sun.
And you terrify me, but in a way that makes me want to jump off the high dive, that pushes me further, that makes me want to try.
So, the other day when we had a conversation about our future goals, our plans, our dreams – I had a moment of;
Is this enough for you?
I am not ashamed of my job, of what I’m working for, of what I’m doing. But the nomadic, artistic life is definitely one of those concepts that will make a person say
“Go do it, go follow your dreams and passions and conquer the world,”
Or
“Sure, that’s fine, but what are your real goals?”
And I’ve been thinking about this, because again, that nagging horrible voice in the back of my head is saying,
You’re not enough. What you want is not enough. They’ll want more.
And a realization came from a most unlikely of sources.
You, on your own, don’t have to be enough.
Because, you and I, and I know I’m getting so far ahead of myself, but, we can have our own little bit of happiness, create something together, and it can be ours and beautiful.
But you can also go do that with someone else, and that’s okay. You need to have your friends and your family and the other things in your life that complete you, and make you you. I need you to have a life outside of me, and need you to appreciate that I will have a life outside of you.
I’ve always thought about the concept of ‘other halves,’ solely in how it relates to me. In that, I firmly believe that one person will not fulfill all my emotional and physical needs. That one person, or no one, might be all I can handle at any given moment, or all I want at that specific moment, but in time, I may find that x and y is missing from my life. It might be that a and b needs aren’t being fulfilled. That I want to explore m and n. And that could be something requiring another physical partner, or something that friends, or even I can do on my own. I’ve been fluctuating with on my own personal tolerance for monogamy or nonmonogamy, and I’m still figuring it out. And it might take me a while to find an answer, if there even is one.
However, I haven’t spent too much time thinking about this from the opposite perspective. What it would mean if I was not enough for someone.
And again, I don’t know what we are right now.
But I know that I love the feel of your hands around my waist as my legs wrap around you.
I love the feel of your teeth against my shoulder.
I love sitting on your couch with a beer watching something stupid on TV.
My friend told me that my eyes go soft when I talk about you. Because you are a lot of firsts for me.
You are the first guy, as an adult, I have missed when they’re not around.
You are the first guy I would be willing, even want, to stick some sort of label on, whatever that may be. Something that gives it the impression of stability.
You are the first guy who’s friends I have met. Hell, met more than once.
You are the first guy who I want to come to, versus having them come to me.
You are some of, maybe the best sex I’ve ever had.
You are the first guy who makes me want for something more.
That being said,
You will not be my other half.
You will not be my soulmate.
You will not be the center of my universe.
But, you could be my love.
And I want to believe that we’ll figure it out as we go. Because if you are not enough for me, and I am not enough for you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t still want me, or that I don’t still want you.
And maybe that’s why I like you so goddamn much.

On a Love Letter

We don’t have the best relationship, you and I.

I beat the ever loving shit out of you, push you to the breaking point, call you names, tell you to do more, that nothing is ever good enough, and expect you to show up in top form the next day.

I hate you, most of the time. But you are mine.

If other people insulted you the way I do, they would never be forgiven.
But you are stuck with me, forever.

You are I are forever entwined, mind and body, together as one.
I will call you a whiny bitch, I will call you a brat, I will tell you to stop complaining, to stop aching, to get your fat pudgy ass up and keep moving.
Because we must keep training.
Because we must keep moving.
Because my brain is not okay when you are not okay.

And right now, you are broken. You are hurt. You are wounded.
You can’t move. We can’t train. We can’t work.

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to hurl things at the wall.

And I can’t, because I need to care for you.

I’m worried about you. I need you to be better.

Because you are the thing that lets me move though air, that lets my fingers turn my thoughts into words. That lets me turn my emotions into movements, into dance, into flight. You will let me torture you, abuse you, yell at you, shame you, and yet you will get up the next morning and start all over again. You know I want you stronger, and will endlessly fight to meet my expectations.

You are my body, the only one I have. And when you are broken, I am broken. When you stop, my life stops.

I love you, and I hate you, for all your faults and imperfections.

Be patient with me, as I try to learn to love you better. As I try to make my mind sync with you. As I try to understand how to care for you as you should be taken care of.

I’m sitting here, on a Friday, with gin and tea and candles and my favourite show, with heating packs and pain relievers. I will do this every day, until you are better.

But please, don’t take too long.

On Iron Man vs Hulk

sex-dice

He was the hottest guy in a five mile radius of my friend group, with a giant stockpile of charisma to boot.

 

I was seeking anything remotely like machismo to pull me out of a seemingly never ending rut.


I was warned he was the biggest player of the players, the biggest man-whore of the man-whores, and don’t touch or you’ll get burned.

And I looked at that and said, But, actually? Sounds perfect.

We met at a flat party, and discussed video games, and I tried to suppress my nerdom in an attempt to impress, but actually ended up in a half an hour conversation about button masher games. He then invited me to join the group going to see the next Marvel movie together and we freaked out at all the same moments, while our other friends watched and rolled their eyes at the ongoing battle that ensued the entire movie.

I will forever and always be team Iron Man.
He thinks Hulk will always be able to kick Iron Man’s ass.

 

Had we ever actually slept together, our idea of foreplay would have been discussing the scene in the first Avengers movie where Iron Man throws the nuclear weapon out into space, and then Hulk saves Iron Man’s life. We would have been stripping each other while arguing about which moment was more badass, fuck each other’s brains out, and during the after sex cigarette resume a similar argument as a pump up for round two.

But, alas, we never did sleep together. Not that we didn’t want to.

I was out with a group of girls, he was out with a group of guys, we ended up at the same club. We saw each other, he got me a drink, and we ended up dancing together. He kissed me, and boy was a damn good kisser. We continued dancing, he kissed me again.
It would be the last time he ever did so.

He invited me for coffee the next day, and I was excited, if a bit confused.
What would this mean? Where did we stand?
We chat about nothing for a while before he finally got around to the subject.
He had a girlfriend, which I knew.
He had an open relationship with the girlfriend, which I knew.
He was not allowed to fuck other people he cared about, which I did not know.

Ah. Uh. Heh.

I want to delve into the different types of relationships (polyamory, open, monogamy) in a different post, but I have been fairly open about being polyamorous for about 4 years now. Basically, since I heard the word, did some research, and had that glorious moment of Oh shit everything in my romantic life finally makes an iota of sense. 
And I don’t (or at the very least, try my best not to) pass any judgements on other people’s various poly/open/mono setups. I understand that what works for me may not work for you or the next person or the next person. 

But back to Hulk boy.
Basically, it flew in the face of everything I had been told about him. And my brain just went to:
So a one night stand is okay, but I’m not okay?
Are you telling me you care about me? That I matter more to you than that? 

This question was never entirely cleared up, but I do believe that, yes, I did. He would come over immediately on my days off work, he would sometimes try to hold my hand when he’d had a bit to drink, he would give me a look sometimes, that I know meant something, though what, I can’t say. And I have to admit I liked him too. I was annoyed I was being strung along, sure. But, I have to admit that there was a part of me that liked being liked by him, especially when everyone had said he was incapable of such emotion.

Which is why it really sucked when I found out he’d told his girlfriend’s best friend that I was a sure thing.”
Don’t talk about any woman, any person like that. I have not, will not, and will never be anyone’s sure thing. Not in the least because as a human being, I am capable of changing my mind at any given moment.

So I froze him out. I threw a halloween party and didn’t invite him. He found out, he asked why I was mad. I told him. We had lunch, he apologized profusely. He refused to eat his vegetables. I added them to my soup.
We were saying goodbye, and he gave me a look like a little lost puppy.

“Are we friends now?” He asked, so sweetly it would’ve melted any lingering annoyance I might’ve felt.
“Of course we are,” And we hugged.

He was a summer…I don’t know what you’d call it. He’s someone I remember with a smile on my face. I remember flirty conversations and playing Kings in my living room with a wonderful group of people. I remember him coming to have lunch with me at work and showing me pictures of his vacation. I remember laughter and light and fun. I remember poker games and pizza. And I’m sad we weren’t anything more, that we never had ridiculous nerd debate infused sex. But, at the same time, maybe it’s okay Hulk boy is just Hulk boy, and not anything more. Maybe it’s okay some people will remain just as they are in your memory, light moments of fun, never to be tainted, and no longer possibilities. They’re people you can think about, and honestly and truthfully still call a friend.